Sibling Rivalry Among Preschool Children

Preschool Team

Sibling rivalry is less about the relationship between your children, than it is about their relationship with you, their parent. Each of them wants you to love them and them alone. They don't want to share you.

Setting the Stage for Peace

Expectations

Your children are in the process of learning how to be social beings. Sharing and manners do not come naturally. They have to be learned and they will be doing most of their learning and experimenting on each other! Understand, too, that children develop so rapidly during those first couple of years, that a two year old and a four year old will be in vastly different stages, developmentally.

No Comparisons

Keeping in mind that competition for your attention is at the root of most sibling rivalry, eliminate any kinds of comparisons from your vocabulary.

Value Their Differences

Encourage children to pursue their different interests and honour their right to have their own friends. Similarly, your children will have different friends and they shouldn't have to share friends when they don't want to. Teach them to respect each other's privacy.

Give Up Labels

Think for a minute about labels like: the big boy, the baby, the neat one, the messy one, the fast one, the slowpoke. As a society we attach a lot of baggage to labels. They define us and too often they are self-fulfilling.

Fair Doesn't Mean Equal

Parents often fall into the trap of thinking that everything they do for one child they have to do for the other. Instead, promote the idea that family resources will be used to meet everyone's needs at the times they need it. This discourages comparisons.

Time Alone

Children need time alone with their parents. Make sure this happens each day. For example, bedtime is often a good opportunity for private time with a parent. At the same time, children sometimes need your complete attention, RIGHT NOW! When this happens, remember that nothing else is as important as they are. If necessary, set a timer for three-to-five minutes and sit down together and find out what is so important. The transition between daycare and home can be a stressful time for kids. Ignore dinner preparations for five minutes while you take your children onto your lap, one at a time, and share a cuddle. Set a timer for five minutes each.

The Timing

If your children are fighting a lot, take a look at when it's happening. Is there a pattern?

Encourage Sibling Affection

Get the kids involved in doing nice things for each other. Don't force the issue, but if you involve them in things that you're doing, they'll be more likely to participate.

Make Clear Rules

Be very clear about what behaviour is and is not acceptable in your home. Also be clear about what kids are required to share.

If the "owner's" permission is required to borrow a toy, make this a clear rule and make the consequences of "borrowing without permission" equally clear.

Adapted with permission from Sibling Rivalry, published by the BC Council for Families.

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Reproduced with permission from Mistahia Health Region